Saturday soliloquy

There came a time sometime last week when I had what can be called a transformative moment, a major life-shift moment. I suddenly felt myself to be utterly and completely alone. All the things in my life that had up until then contributed to making my life meaningful suddenly seemed to either have deserted me or to be utterly meaningless. I must admit that in the face of this total aloneness I crumbled. I railed and ranted, I panicked and I resisted big-time until the resistance slowly gave way to acceptance. And now from that place of complete acceptance I realise that all those externalities, like career, possessions, money, body, mind, relationships, that one depends on in the normal course of life are unstable structures. They are liable to shift and sway and sometimes give way. And if I depend on them too much, then I’m setting myself up for continual and repeated disappointment and pain.

So what else is there? I find that once we put away the things of the material world, then a whole new world of the spirit opens up. In the material world there is always a feeling of lack, and in order to fill this up we keep seeking more and more. More money, more possessions, more knowledge, more sex, more relationships. But the world of the spirit is one of abundance. It is brimming over and over-flowing. And it is available to us at all times. It is our essential nature. We are abundant and over-full. But unfortunately, we identify so totally with with we HAVE in our lives instead of what we ARE. So when the externals fall away as they are always likely to do then we flounder and faint and then catch hold of other crutches. In the process we fail to realise that we as we are, in our essential nature, are whole and complete. We are limitless, flowing, boundless, we are one and we are all. We are the universe. And there is nothing lacking in the universe.

I am also at that point in life where I’m about to say goodbye to the known and launch into the unknown. All by myself. It is scary at times and thrilling at others. But strangely enough when I face my fears they go away :) I feel like a frontier explorer. This must be how Columbus felt when he sailed away looking for India. But then I don’t even have a destination. All I know is that I’m about to set sail. Once again looking at it from the material sense, it seems scary, but when i move into the realm of the spirit, all fears drop away and I feel a sense of adventure. It is more than just an adventure in the worldly sense, it is more than jumping off a cliff in a bungee jump or rocketing down some torrential river in a canoe. This is more of a spiritual adventure, at every turn I have to deal with the many heads of the ego-dragon. At every step I have to keep from falling into the mind-trap.

Speaking of which it seemed to me last week that I had lost my mind. Seriously lost it. I was thinking and saying and doing things which I would never have considered doing a few months ago. But after all the dust had finally settled around the crisis, I realised that quite the contrary had happened. I had not lost my mind, but my mind had taken over total control of me. It had unleashed the ego which had taken over my thoughtscape and my soul was just a dim memory. I had completely and entirely forgotten that I was a spiritual being with a human body and mind not a human being with a soul tucked away somewhere.

This is why I love crises. Boy! Does it teach me lessons ! :))))))