Main dhoonti hoon...

Main dhoonti hoon...
tumhare lafzon mein chupi khamoshiyon ke beech,
kahin woh khamoshi meri khamoshi se jud jaaye...

Main dhoonti hoon...
tumhare chehre ke badalte hue jazbaaton ke beech,
kahin pal bhar ke liye woh pyaar par ruk jaayein…

Main dhoonti hoon...
tumhari saari unn ankahi baaton ke beech,
kahin woh tumhe mujh tak le aayein…

Main dhoonti hoon...
tumhari aankhon ki gehraiyon ke beech,
kahin wahan mujhe tumhari rooh nazar aaye…

Main dhoonti hoon...
tumhari rooh ki nooriyon ke beech,
kahin unn mein mujhe khuda mil jaaye…

Dance of joy

I take huge heaps of solitude, add lots of energy, toss a Shuba Mudgal CD into the music system and here's what I got.

Pulsating music throbs, fills the room,
Drumbeats roll, trip, pound against my heart,
the notes of the shehnai, give wings to my heart
and the singer's voice, takes me through an emotional journey,
through the pangs of love, of separation,
the sweet agony of waiting, and the ecstasy of union,
the playfulness and joy of getting soaked in the rain,
the freedom of finding oneself.
The music washes against my body in waves,
soaks into me through my pores.
enters my bloodstream like a drug.

How can my body not move, how can it not dance?
Impelled by the voice, the rhythm, becoming feather-light,
caught in the taut embrace of the sound that fills the room,
eyes shut, I dance like one possessed,
a crazy smile on my face,
my heart filled with joy,
swirling round the room, I sway to the beat,
letting go of inhibitions, of the mind.
The music, the singer and I, we are one.
The music is me and I am it,
and the dance is the dance of our union.

In moments like these I truly live.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life ....

I think there are two kinds of life -

One is the kind in which we go through life eating, defecating, procreating, sleeping and then dying. We do this because it is prescribed by society to be the right way and we follow it blindly, without question.

The other is to recognise that there is more to life than all this. After all even the animals do the same, then how are we different. We have been blessed with superior intellect, higher emotion, imagination, intuition, for what purpose? It is to always go upwards seeking the higher in us, to seek to know the truth about ourselves, to see and fulfill what we can of our unlimited potential, to feel our spirt ever seek expansion and union with the Spirit, to know oneness. In my opinion, that is the only life worth living.

Ironsmith wanted ...

Was listening to a song sung by Shuba Mudgal called 'Babul jiya mora...' in which the singer says she doesn't want to marry into a goldsmith's family because she is not fond of jewellery, nor does she want to go into a wealthy family as riches hold no interest for her, and neither does she want to be married into a royal family as she does not know how to rule, but her fervent plea is -

mohe lohar ke ghar de di joh
joh mori zanjeeren pighalaein.....

to give her a iron smith's family, so that her shackles can be melted away.

And I cannot help thinking that is something I would ardently desire too, some thing to melt away my shackles, these chains of the mind, of habit, and custom, of destructive thinking, of the grip of the vice like ego, the illusions of the mind that so powerfully bind me to the world, that whip up in my breast storms unimaginable, that churn my thoughts into a maelstrom when all that I want is for all this to fall away like autumn leaves fall off trees, to melt away like the sun melts snow on mountains and for me to rest in the Lord, in unutterable peace and ineffable bliss.

My soul's desire

A long time ago, once when I was between jobs, I was having a conversation with God (or my Inner Self) and I was telling Him that what I miss most about not having a job is the sense of achievement. And His answer had come, swift, simple and clear, "Your life is not about achievement".

And yet when I look back now, I find that I have achieved much in the worldly sense, I have pushed my boundaries many times, both mental and emotional, and I can say with some pride that I have been successful. It is but an empty victory, merely an ego trip, the satisfaction exists in the mind but not in the soul. I ask myself now, "Is that all I wanted?" "Is it all that is possible?" "Is this why my soul got manifested in human form?" "What is it that, I, the soul, desire?" The answer is 'nothing'. Nothing at all.

Which leads me to the realisation that all my treasures are inner ones. The outer ones, they wax and wane, gather and fade, but my essence is incredibly invaluable, my inner self is unchanging, immortal and is of immense worth. Needless to say, it is divine.

can-opener

I just realised while talking to you Ushasam, that sometimes we are so blinded by the illusions of the world and the trickery of the mind, that it takes pain, like a can-opener, to pierce through the layers of deceit, slit open the shell of our ignorance and make us see the truth. Yes, pain can be a baptism too and a deliverance, and the Lord never said that the path to Him is an easy one. So let me not falter and let me not fail, else the price would be too great. Or if I fall, let me rise again and again like Christ did on the way to His crucifixion, only then to gain salvation and mukti ......

Today

Today I feel all aglow, for
God has set my soul ablaze,
my mind transfixed in space,
my heart bent on its knees
my body turned to ashes,
only the light remains.
Today I have shed all my fears
also a few salty tears,
that wash away the muck and gross
and frees my soul of the dross,
which then soars as a song
of deep pining and sweet union.

A divine love song

Would that you write on my soul paeans to the Divine, in words of indescribable love.

Would that you fill your pen with the essence of our love, with its timeless flowing, and its ecstatic joy.

Would it matter, what name you called Him, the nameless One, my soul would still know.

Would that He then come and unburden our hearts, unstitch our minds, His shafts of love freeing our souls.

Would that we then bleed willingly and joyously, shedding tears of bliss unutterable, our souls in boundless flight.

Would that we then realise our immortality, our divinity, our freedom, in silent surrender.

Would that we then become Him and He becomes us.

The black dog

Where has it gone
the splendour of my heart-song?
Where has it stolen away
leaving behind this empty shell
crusty, brittle and tired,
devoid of any glimmer of love
or a tremble of laughter
or even a remembered joy?

Will this night never end?

Will life ever return to my bones
now marowless.
Will passion flood (like it used to)
and throb and leap through my veins
taking me by surprise?
Do the ashes contain a hidden spark
that might catch my lips unawares
and set fire to my eyes?

Are dead stars ever reborn?

A moment infinite

I weave a web of serenity
to hold the world at bay
I drop into a well of peace
my soul doth hold sway.

Eons pass and ages roll
by, in instants mere,
in the deep silence we become one
the seeker and the seer.

Lovely like a bird

Here's Tia's (now 9 years old) latest poem -

As the flowers bloom the birds come out

Beautifully like a water sprout

Watching the bright blue sky

With the glimmer in your eye

With the angel next to you

You will see you are one too.

When you look at the sky now think different, think like a bird

Journey...

This journey I'm proposing that we take together is not to the moon or even to the stars. The distance to the stars is much less than the distance within ourselves. The discovery of ourselves is endless, and it requires constant inquiry, a perception which is total, an awareness in which there is no choice. This journey is really an opening of the door to the individual in his relationship with the world.

- J Krishnamurthy, at Madras, 7th public talk, December 13, 1959
Source - internet, ebook link

Relating, not relationship

Love is a state of your consciousness when you are joyous, when there is a dance in your being. Something starts vibrating, radiating from your centre, something starts pulsating around you. It starts reaching people, it can reach men, it can reach women, it can reach rocks, trees and stars.

When I am talking about love, I am talking about this love: a love that is not a relationship but a state of being. Always remember: whenever I use the word love, I use it as a state of being, not as a relationship. Relationship is only a very minor aspect of it. But your idea of love is basically that of relationship, as if that is all.

Relationship is needed only because you can’t be alone, because you are not yet capable of meditation. Hence, meditation is a must before you can really love. One should be capable of being alone, utterly alone, and yet tremendously blissful. Then you can love. Then your love is no longer a need but a sharing, no longer a necessity. You will not become dependent on the people you love. You will share – and sharing is beautiful.

But what ordinarily happens in the world is: You don’t have love, the person you think you love has no love in his being, either, and both are asking for love from each other. Two beggars begging each other! Hence, the fights, the conflict, the continuous quarrel between the lovers – over trivia, over immaterial things, over stupid things – but they go on quarrelling.

The basic quarrel is that the husband thinks he is not getting what is his right to get; the wife thinks she is not getting what is her right to get. The wife thinks she has been deceived, and the husband thinks he has been deceived. Where is the love? Nobody bothers to give, everybody wants to get. And when everybody is after getting, nobody gets it and everybody feels at a loss, empty, tense.

You live in such unawareness! You don’t see what you have been doing to your life and to others’ loves. You go on mechanically, robot-like, repeating the old pattern, knowing perfectly well you have done this before. And you know what has always been the outcome, and deep down you are also alert that it is going to happen the same way again – because there is no difference. You are preparing for the same conclusion, the same collapse.

If you can learn anything from the failure of love, it is to become more aware, become more meditative. And by meditation I mean the capacity to be joyous alone. Very rare people are capable of being blissful for no reason at all – just sitting silently and blissfully! Others will think them mad because the idea of happiness is that it has to come from somebody else. You meet a beautiful woman and you are happy, or you meet a beautiful man and you are happy. But sitting silently in your room and being so blissful, so blessed out? You must be crazy or something! People will suspect that you are on a drug, stoned.

Yes, meditation is the ultimate LSD! It is releasing your own psychedelic powers. It is releasing your own imprisoned splendour. And you become so joyous, such a celebration arises in your being, that you need not have any relationship. Still you can relate with people … and that’s the difference between relating and relationship.

Relationship is a thing: you cling to it. Relating is a flow, a movement, a process. You meet a person, you are loving because you have so much love to give – and the more you give, the more you have. Once you have understood this strange arithmetic of love – that the more you give, the more you have … This is just against the economic laws that operate in the outside world. Once you have known that, if you want to have more love and more joy, you give and share, then you simply share. And whosoever allows you to share your joy with him or with her, you feel grateful to him or her. But it is not a relationship, it is a river-like flow.

The river passes by the side of a tree, saying hello, nourishing the tree, giving water to the tree … and it moves on, dances on. It does not cling to the tree. And the tree does not say. “Where are you going? We are married! And before you can leave me you will need a divorce – at least a separation! Where are you going? And if you were going to leave me, why did you dance so beautifully around me? Why did you nourish me in the first place?” No, the tree showers its flowers onto the river in deep gratefulness, and the river moves on. The wind comes and dances around the tree and moves on. And the tree gives it fragrance to the wind.

This is relating. If humanity is ever going to become grown-up, mature, this will be the way of love: people meeting, sharing, moving, a non-possessive quality, a non-dominating quality. Otherwise love becomes a power trip.

----------------------- excerpt from 'Intimacy' by Osho ------------------------

Light

I am a being of light,
a part of the boundless ocean of light,
a beam from the blazing vastness of light,
what else could I be?
But I forget this at times,
searching for light in the outside darkness,
in the charms of the senses,
in the ways of the world,
only to come back empty-handed,
but if only I be still and look within,
I find that I am a luminous being of light.

Live ...

"Live out of your imagination, not your history." - Stephen Covey

Be Lost in the Call

------ a beautiful poem by Rumi -------------

Lord, said David, since you do not need us,
why did you create these two worlds?

Reality replied: O prisoner of time,
I was a secret treasure of kindness and generosity,
and I wished this treasure to be known,
so I created a mirror: its shining face, the heart;
its darkened back, the world;
The back would please you if you've never seen the face.

Has anyone ever produced a mirror out of mud and straw?
Yet clean away the mud and straw,
and a mirror might be revealed.

Until the juice ferments a while in the cask,
it isn't wine. If you wish your heart to be bright,
you must do a little work.

My King addressed the soul of my flesh:
You return just as you left.
Where are the traces of my gifts?

We know that alchemy transforms copper into gold.
This Sun doesn't want a crown or robe from God's grace.
He is a hat to a hundred bald men,
a covering for ten who were naked.

Jesus sat humbly on the back of an ass, my child!
How could a zephyr ride an ass?
Spirit, find your way, in seeking lowness like a stream.
Reason, tread the path of selflessness into eternity.

Remember God so much that you are forgotten.
Let the caller and the called disappear;
be lost in the Call.

- Rumi

Rumi

The drum of the realization of the promise is beating,
we are sweeping the road to the sky. Your joy is here today, what remains for tomorrow?
The armies of the day have chased the army of the night,
Heaven and earth are filled with purity and light.
Oh! joy for he who has escaped from this world of perfumes and color!
For beyond these colors and these perfumes, these are other colors in the heart and the soul.
Oh! joy for this soul and this heart who have escaped
the earth of water and clay,
Although this water and this clay contain the hearth of the
philosophical stone.

---

When you lose everything
you find yourself,
it's really that simple.

Day 3 - Tauranga to Wellington

After a good night's sleep (thanks to the soak in the pool) I wake up and after a cup of tea, go for another soak in the pool. A short one this time :))) Breakfast and packing over, we check out and decide to explore the water-front. The bayside is beautiful, the tide is out it looks like, and so the birds are busy on the mudflats looking for food. The breeze is strong and tosses the trees making the most beautiful music. I walk under some ancient pohutukawas (a native NZ flowering tree) which are not in flower yet but have these great masses of ariel roots growing downwards, some enveloping the trunk in some kind of rooty embrace :) While the young roots look red and tender against the dried up, brown ones. The houses lining the bayside look lovely and they somehow remind me of Kerala houses, basking in the warm sunshine, while people sit outside in summer clothes and sip tea or beer. There is a languid grace to Tauranga that is captivating and relaxing. And I somehow want to linger and lurk and stay on.

Alas! can't do that, so we pile into the car and head homewards. On the way we stop at a kiwifruit tourist attraction. There are acres and acres of kiwifruit plantation all looking happy and gleaming in the sun. We go into the tourist centre and I buy a kiwifruit soap, preserves and jam. And then it's driving again southwards.

The day is beautiful, and the countryside sparkles like a green jewel set off by the sunbeams. Lakes and streams flash by bluely and pastures and hills roll along placidly. Pine forests rise on both sides sometimes and the sunlight streams into the forest floor in long yellow fingers lighting up the grass and bushes on the ground. If a wind is blowing, the branches wave their arms at me as we pass :)

We drive through Rotorua and stop at Taupo for lunch. It's good to see Lake Taupo again, gleaming blue under the blue sky. I always find the lake amazing, I mean it's the crater of a volcano and it's so big on misty days one can hardly see the other side. And this great opening filled up with fresh water fed by the surrounding rivers and streams. The water is calm today and there is such a feeling of sublime peace when I gaze at it. Sigh. I feel like lingering and gazing at the lake for a long time, but the tyrant with its ever-moving hands reminds me that we need to get to Wellington soon.

So we're off again. We stop again at Rations Cafe in Waioru for a cup of tea and then I take to the wheel. In spite of my best intentions, I make of couple of reckless mistakes one of which I'm sure must have given the driver of a massive truck a massive heart attack :((( I feel sorry for a long time afterwards. By the grace of God we reach Wellington by 7.40, in one piece, relaxed but tired, having had a wonderful time up north.

Day 2 - Whakatane to Tauranga

I got up at eight, or was it 8.30. Who cares? After all I'm on holiday. My body said that it could sleep for another 12 hours. But I didn't have another 12 hours, coz we had to check out at 10. So I drag myself out of bed and have tea and the fried eggs and toast which M has so kindly made for me. Anyway, my protesting body is moving in slow-motion but by 9.50 we're all packed and checked out. I had signed up to go to the While Island, an active volcano, a long distance into the sea. It would have involved a 2-hour boat ride, then 2 hours on the island and 2 hours for the return trio, but weather conditions do not permit the trip :((( We decide to take a walk along the Whakatane River which runs alongside the motel and spend the good part of the next 45 mins sauntering along the placidly flowing river. We see a Boat Club and stand and watch youngsters being coached in rowing. Then we go to the Town Hall coz M is keen to see some Craft Fair that's going on there. End up spending heaps of money quite unnecessarily. :((( Then, we head off for the mouth of the river where it meets the sea. Great views. There is a statue of a woman built atop a little hilltop in the waters. The Woman of the Sea I think she is called and there is some local legend about her bringing the first weka (boat) that the Maori came in safely ashore. Then we head out of Whakatane.

The drive to Tauranga is very picturesque, For a long stretch, the road runs along the sea and as always the surrounding countryside is green, clean and fresh. Cattle, sheep and horses graze in the fields and houses rise occasionally among them. We pass little towns with sweet names like Pengakawa, Maniatutu and Te Puke. About an hour later we reach Tauranga. Which is a seaside city too but has an estuarine look, therefore to get the city we have to drive over bridges that span over the bays. Very beautiful.

We are checked into the motel by Marilyn. Marilyn is a curious contrast to Magdalene of yesterday. While Magdalene was very friendly and a bit short of information, Marilyn is very matter-of-fact and businesslike and has lots of information to offer. Not that I'm complaining :))) The room is cosy and comfortable and has a little mineral-water pool outside in an enclosed area. We have lunch and then I decide to take a little nap. Must say, it proves a little difficult at first since I'm not used to sleeping in the afternoon, but soon my body winds down and I nap for a while and then wake up and lie in the soft bed just letting my mind float. That is one of the joys of being on holiday, I can give that tyrant, the clock, a massive ignore. The person who divided the day into hours, minutes and seconds must have been an unhappy person indeed. Why would one want to measure one's life in little time chunks? And now the malaise is so deep-rooted that we let our lives be dictated by a mechanical device with hands that move unceasingly. Sigh !!! Even by four my body and mind are reluctant to get vertical so I remain prone in bed, just being lazy :))).

After a while I get up, have a cup of tea and we head out for sightseeing. First stop is the beach. This one is a surfers' beach coz the waves come in in long big curls and sure enough there are a lot of surfers in the water riding the waves. I walk along leisurely taking loads of pictures. The beach, the sea, the sky and the skyline are so beautiful, I feel the photos will not do justice to the breathtaking beauty. The sound of the crashing waves is music to my jaded ears. there is such an air of timelessness about the ocean. Heaving and crashing on the fine sand, pulled by the moon, the interconnectedness of all things becomes evident. After the sun's gone down over the hills, it turns a bit chilly and head back to the car and drive to Mt.Manganui. It looks more like a hillock to me after coming from mountainous Wellington :)) We find an Indian restaurant and order some takeaway including some fih and chicken. I don't know why but I have this sudden desire to eat some meat :( While we're waiting for the food to be ready we drive out to the harbour area, where the ships are docked and where little sailboats dot the calm waters of the bay, looking very pretty and very Meditteranean.

We reach the motel and I start eating only to feel disappointed and crappy. The meat does not taste as good as I had imagined it to be and I am feeling crappy that I broke my long held resolve. Anyway, to make myself feel better, I climb into the hot-water pool.

Aaaaaahhhh!!! My body and mind immediately relax and let out a long exhalation. The water is bore-welled straight from under the earth :))) and has a sulphuric smell to it. It feels hot and urgent against my skin and the aches and pains in my body begin to throb. I hope that by the time I get out, they'll be all gone :) The inlet that lets the water in is directly behind my back and it gives a pleasant vibration on my back as the mild current hits my body. I just lie there eyes closed and soak it all in. Little by little my body releases its tensions and little by little the sky above darkens. The rain that had started earlier has now stopped and through the gaps in the clouds I see the stars come out. My body just floats in the water disregarding gravity, it's amazing. After a long time, I climb out of the pool and take a shower. When I finish, I am so relaxed that I feel like I'm drunk. I climb into bed and try to sleep, but sleep comes slowly, and when it finally comes it enfolds me in its warm embrace.