I see you, Oh Lord

I see You, Oh Lord, in the quiet whispers of gently falling autumn leaves.

I see You when my upward glance is arrested by the sight of rosy clouds nestling among evening hils.

I see You in the rise and fall of seagull wings, the orange beak and feet bright against the snowy white.

I see You in the rising pathos of the melancholy violin in Mozart's music, weeping with heartache.

I see You in the colours of the paua, blues, greens and aqua, as if the sea was not content to lie in the ocean but wanted to come live with us.

I see You in the hush of the darkened theatre, lights going out, my heart in thrall with others' lives, mesmerised by the magic of illusion.

I see You in the eyes of loved ones, their smiles bright with affection, compassion and so much caring, it breaks my heart.

I see You in the fire of my heartbeat, the sparkle of my eyes, the cadences of my laughter, in tears brought on by ghazals.

I see You, Oh Lord, in the deep silences of my soul.

Soul consciousness

The other day while reading someone else's blog I came across a reference to the Aasthavakra Geeta. I googled it and found the most extraordinarily enlightening dialogue between Sage Aasthavakra and King Janaka. I read only a few lines but musing over them led to the realisation that I should relinquish my need for acknowledgement, encouragement, appreciation and even love. For the soul is above these ego needs, it exists in perfect equilibrium and bliss and already knows everything. It is the ego that feels disappointed, disheartened, unloved. The soul is love and knows only love, how can it be unloved? However, it requires great vigilance to be aware of oneself as the soul, for the mind is forever trying to engage in activity that keeps us identified with the ego, to pull us back to the world of the senses. Let go of the ego, become aware of the mind, of the games it is trying to play and the emotions, the slave of the mind. Awareness leads to consciousness of the Self which then leads to the Divine - perfect peace and perfect love.

You do not consist of any of the elements -- earth, water, fire, air, or even ether. To be liberated, know yourself as consisting of consciousness, the witness of these. 1.3

Perspective

The importance of perspective was once again brought home to me today in a dramatic manner. But let me go back a little. Some time back I read a story in the Readers' Digest in which the author narrates an incident that happened to him. He was travelling by train in the city and when the train stopped at a station a man and his three young kids got in. The father sat next to the author and the kids in different seats. After the train started again the kids started moving around and generally making a nuisance of themselves, people started frowning and casting disapproving looks at the father. The author too sat there and wondered why the father was not making any attempts to subdue his children and was thinking all manner of unkind thoughts about the family. Finally he turned to him and gently pointed out that his children needed a bit of control. Upon which the young man replied 'We are just coming from the hospital where their mother died of cancer and they don't know what to do with themselves, actually even I don't know what to do with myself'. Instant transformation in perspective.

I have a colleague called Mark who sits a few meters away from me and sometime last week he came for a discussion with my neighbouring workmates. Every one else spoke softly but Mark has a loud voice and since the discussion was long I started getting disturbed by the loudness of his voice. I even considered going up to him and asking him to keep his voice low. Fortunately, I didn't. Today I had the ask Mark something and when he was passing my my table, I called out to him and asked him if he got the emails that I had sent. He couldn't catch what I was saying and I thought he couldn't understand my accent. So I repeated my question in the same tone but a bit slowly, he still couldn't catch it and came closer and said that I will have to speak up a bit since I had a soft voice. So I repeated my question this time in a louder voice. He came even closer and turned his ear towards me and for the first time I noticed that he was wearing a hearing aid. Light bulb moment. Aahh ! So that he why he was speaking loudly the other day, almost all people with hearing problems tend to raise their voice. I must say my attitude towards Mark changed dramatically.

Soul song

When you knock on the door of my heart, Oh Lord,
how can I help but open?

My spirit sheds body and mind,
takes flight like a golden eagle.

Through tunnels of light,
blazing with the light of a million suns.

Joy unbound, sparkling,
bursts forth in explosions of laughter.

Love blossoms like a rare flower,
my spirit drunk with the heady perfume.

And then there is only peace,
and the ineffable sweetness of Your presence.

The Desert Moon

I stand under the desert moon;
among the shifting sands of emotions,
the constantly changing landscape.

Why do the stars burn so brightly?
why does the laughing moon fail
to light up my barren, desolate heartscape.

All those footprints on my heart,
those familiar, well-trodden bridges,
washed away by the deluge of unshed tears.

Love is a mirage, a chimera,
an oasis never to be found,
thus whisper the desert winds.

The thorn

I unplucked my desires
like one would petals off flowers,
forming a satiny heap
around my feet.
And then a rogue wind
lifted them up and
carried them to faraway lands.
Ans so it came about
that strangers spoke
the language of my dreams.
But still one remained -
a thorn in my heart.
And yet I hope
that a flower will bloom
in its place
someday.

Our dear Mother

Look at the Earth, inner core boiling furiously and as you go outwards the layers cooling to which a geologist would most certainly give names, until you reach the crust. That which we lovingly call Mother Earth. You touch it and it is moist and warm, almost as if it is a living, breathing being. And grass growing out of it and trees, and earthworm homes, and valleys formed and mountains and sand dunes. And inspiring of so much awe and almost worthy of worship. It is no wonder that people bend down and kiss the Earth, our dear Mother.

Train tales

Today was the first day at my new job and after a long time I was taking the train again. The ride into Wellington is indeed marvellous. This being the only city I have visited where the hills lie on one side of the tracks (and road) and the sea on the other. This juxtapostion of the green and the blue really blew my mind when I saw it for the first time. And there is this stretch of rail where the tracks run so close to the sea that when you look out of the window it appears as if you are in a boat because the land is hardly visible and all you can see is the sea.

So coming back to today, sitting in the train hearing the clackity-clack of the wheels again sends shivers up my spine and the air laden with moisture and the grass so lush everywhere and all manner of verdant growth takes me back to the train rides in the monsoons through the lush landscape of Kerala. I could almost envisage smoke curling up through coconut fronds. And passing green-carpeted soccer fields, and rain-washed driveways and the Hutt river, placid no more, but tanned and full-bodied like a Malayalee damsel. Rushing past wind-swept stations until the train stops at mine.

Yes, train rides are food for the heart for romantics like me ;-)

Unlimited potential

5th August 2006

Today as I was meditating I found suddenly that the feeling of 'I' had disappeared along with all self-identity and I realised that there is no me, just the Divine realising Itself, being Itself. And strangely enough it was a very humbling experience. Because the ego had disappeared, as also the mind and the emotions, just an awareness remained. And the feeling of slight pain in my shoulder and the body touching the ground. There was no joy nor pain, no want, no desire, no bliss or sorrow, just nothingness.

Afterwards when I came out of meditation I had the feeling that nothing mattered anymore, all the mundane concerns of daily life had disappeared. Just the feeling that everything had been taken care of. And the Divine which is not the narrow false self has the power to create anything It wanted to. And then it occured to me that if the entity which is called 'me' is the Divine expressing Itself then how can 'I' entertain the idea of being limited by anything. Because the Divine is limitless and has the endless potential to create anything and be anything.

The Huka Jet experience

The Huka Falls never fails to hold me in awe. Even though I have seen it many times before. The tons of clear blue water that hurtles down the narrow gorge in a deafening uproar is Nature at its most majestic. So I decided to have a closer look at the Waikato River on which the falls are situated. What better way than to take a ride in the Huka Jet?

So here I am in the front seat all belted up and reinforced against the spray. I am sitting next to a man who is part of a group all speaking a strange language, so I ask him where he is from. It turns out that they are originally from Holland, moved to Spain, but now living in New Zealand for the past twenty years. I am about to ask if the language they are speaking is Dutch or Spanish, when we are interrupted by the arrival of another group who turns out to be from Korea. Then the driver jumps in and I say to my neighbour "He must be the only Kiwi in the group".

So off we go, whizzing over the water, setting it on fire, the ducks ducking for cover, the black swans placidly looking for food, their necks undulating gracefully. Past cliff faces, past the hillside covered in tropical ferns, the boat veering dangerously, doing 360 degree spins, spraying us all with water, the wind rushing past my ears, my cheeks, the water and wind in a frenzy. And I have the feeling that I am airborne, flying over the river towards Huka Falls. And the falls in the distance, gushing blue and we are at the foot amidst the boiling, gurgling water.

The jetboat ride that took my breath away with its sheer audacity, its dizzying spins and the breathtaking beauty.

The power of dreams

I was driving back from the Huka Jet towards Taupo town when I saw a sign saying 'NZ woodcraft and ceramics'. On an impulse I took the detour and went into the shop. Inside were a great many fine woodturned bowls and other items in kauri and rimu and other types of wood. The grain in the wood had created unique patterns in them so that each one of them was a unique piece, with its own stamp and its own signature.

Halfway through I saw a sign that said that Chris was selling his business and tools etc. On the way out I walked over to the man at the counter and asked him, "Are you Chris?", "Yes", "Are you selling your business?", "Yes", "Why?" "Because I have been doing it for the past 20 years and now I want to fly planes instead". Mind you, Chris looked like he was in the early fifties, so rather doubtfully I asked "Oh, you want to become a pilot?", "Yes, I have been training to fly for the last four years", "And fly commercial flights?" "No, I am too old for that, but I would like to fly planes that are used for top-dressing", "What is that?", "Planes that spray fertiliser on fields", "Then what about woodturning, are you going to give it up? This is such a major switch, are you going to give up your passion?". "Yes, it is a major switch, that is why I have been training to fly. But woodturning is not my passion, now it is just a job that has to be done, even though it began as a passion. Now flying is my passion. I took my first flight when I was five and decided then that I would fly someday even though it took me 55 years to fulfill my dream".

I was so impressed and moved with this that I asked to take his photograph in front of the pictures of the planes that he had up put up. He kindly obliged.

It is never too late to realise your dreams, so what if you are only a few steps away from the grave. It is just that you should never let go of them. Chris is such a Godsend.

The great escape

I had an interesting experience at the motel in Waihi on Friday night. I had just finished my shower and was about to come out of the bathroom when I realised that the door had no handle to turn the lock just a hole where the handle used to be . So here I was effectively locked in and stranded. My first thought was to open the window, climb out and go for help. So I climb on top of the wash basin, open the window and peer into the darkness. Unfortumnaely it is so dark outside that I cannot see the ground and I decide that the drop is too high and if I break my leg in the jump, I will not be able to drive back home.

I have a couple of hair-clips in my hair so I decide to fiddle with the lock. Many attempts later the lock is still firmly in place when I hear a car starting up. I climb the basin again and wave frantically also yelling 'Help!'. The car vanishes into the night in total oblivion. Then panic strikes. 'Oh God, I am going to spend the night here and tomorrow night until they come looking for me on Sunday. Help me God!' I beg. Then my mind clears and I think, this is an adventure and I am in control and surely there must be way out. So I fiddle with the lock some more until I come to the realisation that unless I am a master locksmith or an expert burglar, I am not going to find the lever in the lock with a hairclip. So I go back to the window and look out until my eyes get accustomed to the darkness and I find that the ground is not so low after all. The next thing I know I am climbing through the window and jumping out and walking to Reception.

There is always a first time to do something. My first window escape was very exciting and most illuminating.

Postscript : I must say reading all those spy novels helped :-)

The living air

There is something akin to meditation about driving alone on long journeys. After a while it feels as if the car is an extension of your body, the smooth road is flowing from the car and the grassy slopes are part of the road. The mountains a continuation of the slopes which in turn run into the sky with its clouds which merge with the midday sun and the unseen stars until your consciousnes expands to fill the universe.

By the lake, alone

My trip to Lake Taupo was simply fantastic. I stayed in a place called Little Waihi on the south side of the lake. Lake Taupo is a huge volcanic crater filled with water. You almost can't see the other side, it looks more like a sea. I got a motel room by the lake side and on Friday I just sat and watched the lake, read a bit, contemplated a bit. Due to the thermal activity in the area, there was steam coming out of the edge of the lake so that it looked as if the lake was boiling. There were ducks and a pair of beautiful black swans with red beaks. It was so peaceful, so serene. It was truly an unwinding.

On Saturday, I drove to the township of Taupo, 40 minutes away and went to Huka Falls again. Every time I see it it takes my breath away. All those tonnes of water gushing down the narrow gorge, and the water so clear, it is blue. The sound simply magical, roaring and gushing as if Nature is wishing to express herself. And when it reaches the wider part, the water just boils with the force, blue circles erupting in white spray. This time I decided to take the Huka Jet, a jetboat ride that travels up the Waikato River, making spins and whizzing past cliff faces on its way to the foot of the Huka Falls. It was simply beautiful.

The two other things I wanted to do, I couldn't because - whitewater rafting was closed for the winter and skydiving wasn't happening because it was too cloudy to skydive. Maybe next time.

It rained the whole of Saturday night and when I left the motel on Sunday morning it was still raining. I had planned to go to Mt.Raupehu on the way back but the rain had made visibility so bad that I couldn't even see the mountain on the drive back which is usually very clearly visible. But the drive was beautiful. The rain creating this constant raaga on the roof, sometimes thumri, sometimes dhrupad. And the air all misty and washed clean and pure, the raindrops forming ripples on little ponds. The grass so green stretching from the side of the road up into the hills, over slopes and dunes and valleys. The little streams flowing muddily and happily. And the leaves glistening with rain, little drops forming on the tips. And pastures polka-dotted with sheep and cows and horses. And the clouds clinging to the foothills rising as if aspiring for the sky. The countryside so beautiful and so verdant.

Yes, it was truly a memorable trip.

Photos at http://community.webshots.com/user/jollyjm

The Elvis experience

The show Elvis Viva Las Vegas was wonderful. Grant Sullivan looked like Elvis (maybe a tad shorter), had a voice like Elvis and sang like Elvis. The only disappointment was that he didn't rock'n roll like Elvis. There is something electrifying in watching a live performance. The drums beats coming up through the floors and reverberating in the chest region, the energy of the music, the singer, the dancers, the guitarist pulsating through the air, wrapping around you and making your feet tap, your hands clap and your heart racing with excitement.

He sang the popular numbers and the old ones and when the curtain fell, he had not sung my favourite song which I had been praying he would sing. Miraculously the curtain lifted again and he said 'I forgot to sing the last number' and to my heart's delight he belted out 'The wonder of you'. Truly magical.

Note to myself : Must go for live shows more often and must get up and boogie.